I’m writing this Saturday night, knowing it’s going to be up Sunday afternoon. In a personal feat of time travel, I have decided to tell myself how to cure the damage I am almost certainly going to inflict on myself tonight. In that combination of wisdom and ignorance I present to you…

Preventative Measures

First things first: for next time, there are some simple ways to lessen your hangover before you go to sleep. Yeah, besides drinking less, smart guy. A glass of water and some dry carb- crackers or cereal- are what you want. Do *not* have a greasy food that night, like pizza. While greasy food can cure a mild or mid-mild hangover, having it before sleep will just make it worse. But it’s Sunday; no time to prevent. So to handle a…

 

For a Mild Hangover

…you’re going to want to force yourself out of bed. Yeah, seriously. If you’re just feeling kind of run down, force yourself to brunch or eat with some pals if they’re around. You need movement and distraction, and some eggs and coffee. Consider hitting the gym; while you feel crappy now, the endorphins will help you tremendously now and you’ll sweat out the waste. The best news? You had a productive Sunday of friends, food and the gym, all while curing your hangover! What a blessing in disguise!

Okay, it’s not a blessing. But the longer you loiter, the worse it will get. Fight through it and it’ll go away. For serious.

 

For a Medium Hangover

Ok. First, you’re not drinking water. Water tastes terrible the more hungover you are, and ironically, that’s when you most need to drink. You’re going to need a Vitamin Water, Gatorade, or any other heavily colored mostly-water product. Coconut water is great, if you’re one of “those” people. Don’t focus on eating, like you would for a mild hangover. Get some liquid in you and stay in bed. Watch some *mediocre* television on Hulu. Mediocre is important: an okay show will distract you nicely, but if you try to watch, say Game of Thrones you won’t injury it nearly as much as you should. Save that for later.

Similarly, while you can’t get a prescription for medical marijuana for a hangover, a medium hangover might provoke it. Some people say it will help your appetite, headache, and aches while you drink liquid. And if you’re going to be unproductive all afternoon, you may as well enjoy it.

 

For a Serious Hangover

Oh man, you did it this time. You took the extra round of shots with those Germans, didn’t you? You should have been dry heaving for at least part of the morning. If you can sleep comfortably, it’s not a serious hangover. If you haven’t sworn off alcohol forever, it isn’t a serious hangover.

So if it’s serious? It’s going to be tough, but we’ll get through this together.

First of all, drinking in the morning isn’t a good idea generally. And it’s probably the last thing you want to do. But: it will help in the short term. If you’re desperate, a small drink might help. Especially a Mimosa or a Bloody Mary, as both of those also can sneak in re-hydrating liquids when your body really doesn’t want them.

Dry bread. Maybe a banana. Do it slowly. It isn’t supposed to be good: this food is literally nourishment to survive, homie. So survive. Now isn’t the time for french fries. Eggs are also great, but that may be too fancy for you.

Try to remember this is a scar from a good night.

 

For a Nightmare Hangover That Makes No Sense

Are you bleeding? Are you missing some fingers?

Okay, that’s not a hangover. Something went terribly wrong. How much did you have to drink last night!?

Have some dry bread and Gatorade. It might not help, but hey, it can’t hurt, right?