girl advice

Hey internet,

Every guy wants to do well with girls. And everyone is insecure about it, for the most part. Studies have shown guys dramatically over-estimate the amount of sex other people have; if you consider yourself subpar, chances are you’re par. If you’re par, maybe you’re actually doing well. And if you’re “forever alone”, christ, stop saying that phrase, it isn’t helping anything, okay? And at the very least, you’re not alone, you’re with millions of the sort of people who complain about this stuff.

Maybe alone would be better in that case, but it isn’t. You’re perfectly normal.

Unfortunately, there’s an enormous market to be made on misery and the internet, as you know, is a great way for terrible people to say terrible things behind a screen. These two things coalesce, and you get girl advice. People throwing around spiteful terms, yelling about the friend-zone, whatever. Tons of angry, sad, angsty guys are looking for answers that sound right, so they find terrible answers from bad people.

Here are the circles of this particular hell

Good Advice Distorted

This is the first circle of what you read. It’s the most deceptive because it’s the least objectionable. By itself it’s actually good: work out! Wear better shirts! Believe in yourself! This is all very good and agreeable; you’ll be nodding. But it slowly gets distorted. Wear better shirts so girls notice! Um…okay? Good shirts are cool, I guess…

That’s the hook. Good advice applied for bad intentions. Next comes…

Sample Size

See, when someone gives you advice, it comes from their life and mindset. My advice for people stressing out about class is, hey, screw it! Have a beer, write a novel. That’s because this works for me. This is great advice for me, but it wouldn’t be great for, say, a med-student. You don’t want a tipsy novelist surgeon. I don’t care much about a C- on an exam; it might be a big deal for someone else. The advice I give is warped by who I am; the only person who should follow my advice is really me.

So remember that when someone tells you to try to rub a girls elbow at a party. Yes, this is the sort of advice the internet will give you. Don’t just shrug and go “works for him.” Who knows what kind of weird elbow-parties this guy goes to. Stick to your knowledge and remember that…

“Facts” Aren’t Facts

Bam. “Women are programmed to seek out male attention” says the Dr.Internet. “Women respond to dominance” Dr.Internet reminds you. Maybe he’ll bring up evolution or science. This is because Dr.Internet is a scholarly misogynist, you see.

Where did Dr.Internet get his doctorate, you ask? Oh…uh…he just kind of says things as statements and hopes people who want to agree with him accept them as facts.

Do not let Dr.Internet perform surgery. And be sure to use…

Common Sense

Ask yourself: whose better with girls than random mean-spirited nerds on the internet? What’s that? Literally anybody? Oh, okay.

Lastly, remember…

People On The Internet are Enormous Liars

Even if this hasn’t warned you off, even if you’re the sort of insecure hothead who desperately needs girls for his own ego- and I hate to call you out, trust me, I identify- you have to remember.

These guys are liars. Period.

The girls probably aren’t as hot as they say, or as frequent as they say, or whatever. And that’s if these girls even exist. I personally believe Tucker Max is just in a padlocked room somewhere with schizophrenia or something. And, hey, maybe it did happen like that. But do you think these sorts of slimeballs, either misogynist braggarts or misogynist braggarts who are trying to sell you something, these same guys who advocate lying to girls and being terrible people…do you think they wouldn’t lie to you? That they’re above ripping you off?

Wisen up.

***

Oh, and one last thing, y’all. Girls don’t like freestyle rapping at parties. I don’t care if you’re good, or your mix-tape, Solid Gold Tank, is dropping this summer. Doesn’t matter. Trust me on this one.