Food. It’s delicious. But making it can sometimes take time, effort, and money. Plus, you can screw up. As someone who self-taught myself from absolute ignorance (I screwed up hot dogs) I can give you some fool-proof easy, delicious, and simple tips for feeding yourself like a human being.

1. Make It Truly Fool-Proof

A lot of recipes call themselves fool-proof, cheap or easy. But I’m an exceptionally thrifty lazy idiot. What things work for me?

Easy. The easiest cooking things are non-cooking. Oatmeal, which you can make with hot water and a micro-wave is even more fool-proof than cereal. Did you hear that? Easier than cereal. You don’t have to worry about the cereal going stale, or the milk going bad, or being out of milk. It’s a hot breakfast. Another breakfast you can’t screw up is eggs: put them in a hot pan and stir it. Put pasta in a boiling pot of water. Eggs and pasta are truly fool-proof and can be used as the back-bone of a meal. Make a fancy vegetable dish…to pour in your pasta. If you screw it up, hey, it’s pasta still. That’s an easy way to protect yourself from more ambitious recipes. Simply by being more ambitious on lazy stuff can help.

2. Don’t Cook

A big thing of greek yogurt is a lunch or breakfast you don’t even need to cook. Can’t get easier than that. Crackers and carrots with hummus. Sliced turkey on whole-wheat bread with mustard.  Impossible to screw up, healthy, cheap, tasty enough. If you can’t cook well, maybe indulge in eating out for some dinners- just eat cold, basic and healthy lunches to save your wallet and your self esteem. Ordering pizza in before dark is mad depressing, yo.

3. Don’t Pay

If you’re buying micro-wave meals, stop, have a friend hit you, and stop again. That five dollars can be used for anything above that’s healthier, tastier, and less likely to have your friends shaking their heads slowly as you eat it.

4. Bulk

Cooking can be a drag, but cooking more is often easier than cooking more often. Get off your lazy bum and cook now and then- but cook a lot. If you like the basic thing you can make: chili, hamburgers, pasta, or whatever, just make a lot of it to last you a lunch and a dinner beyond then. If every time you cook it covers you for two days, then only cooking twice a week goes a whole lot further than it would have before.

5. Friends

Cook with your friends. It’s more fun and tastier. They’re better at it, too. Pay for some of the raw materials, help clean if you can’t cook very well, and maybe pay for the beer and you can get a real and good meal for minimal effort and cash money. It’s what I do when I get the chance- thanks Scott and Sean- and I recommend it. When else are you going to eat salmon and roasted potatoes? That’s worth scrubbing a pot to me.