How To Handle The Mayan Apocalypse (College Style)
So, I’m not sure if you heard, but tomorrow, the world ends. The Mayan Calendar ends then, and, as you know, we listen to Mayans all the time. The end times is foretold by the appearance of Bolon Yokte-bolon yokte k’u, the nine-footed god, which was probably a metaphor for the disappointing Patriots loss last Sunday. They were right about that, so it stands to reason they predicted the end of the world.
Now what? I’m glad you chose to spend your last day with us at HackCollege. Your faith will not go unrewarded. Blonde girls who can beat-box are invited to the HackCollege bunker to prepare for the end of days (we have Snapple!) The rest of you, meanwhile, can take heed by preparing with these tips.
1. Stock Up
Get ramen noodles, peanut butter, crackers, hummus, and more in bulk. When the apocalypse comes you can’t rely on pizza to show up at your door and lets be real, you’re not hunting. The added bonus of this is in case the world doesn’t end, these foods won’t expire quickly, and they double as college foods.
2. Use Freshmen
Freshmen are the easiest prey in the Apocalypse- not to eat, weirdo- but to use to rebuild society. Their enthusiasm and ignorance combines into a pretty nifty source of free labor. Have them “pledge” your new society; if they plow the fields, plant the seeds and hunt the uncontaminated monster-squirrels for meat then finally you can brand them as brothers in your decrepit, run-down ruin of a house.
The world is going to end, and everyone’s going to want to blow off some steam. Stock up on alcohol and throw an end-of-the-world rager. Hard liquor doesn’t expire either, so it’s a great thing to stockpile- it can even be used as medicine later on, or, more realistically, used for another party later. Plus a party is a great way to meet future survivors and “hey babe, wanna repopulate the earth” is a terrific pick-up line. Okay, it’s a terrible pick-up line, but if you’re the only man on earth you’ll be looking a whole lot better.
For an added “apocalypse-theme” you can have people bring some canned goods for charity. That way you’ll be in character, doing good in the world, and, when the apocalypse comes, you can just keep the precious, precious cans for yourself. Listen, charity: it’s the apocalypse. Every man for himself.
4. Call Your Parents
Tell them that, hey, we have bigger things to worry about than if majoring in “swag” was a solid career-choice. Then ask them for eighty bucks. Your apocalypse-party isn’t going to fund itself and what good is money anyway? The future currency is going to be bottle-caps so you should go out and buy some bottles, right? That’s called synergy, dad.
5. Call Your Ex.
Haha, just kidding. Never call your ex.
6. Read More HackCollege.
Society is going to need to rebuild itself around a common ideal. The Constitution? Not bad, though a little stuffy. The Bible? Been done. No, clearly HackCollege is the choice of the people. So read up and speak the words of truth. At the very least, it’ll prepare you for if the world doesn’t end and you go back to college.
ALSO: while I was writing this, I am not even kidding, a car straight-up smashed into my house. Like, broke the fence, wheel-on-the-patio type thing. So yeah, it’s the apocalypse. Have fun, kiddos.