How To Have An Alternative Christmas
Merry Christmas, yo.
As a Jew, I can tell you that at this point “happy holidays” doesn’t fool anyone. Hannukah’s been over for a while and we sure as heck know you’re not talking about T’zom G’dalia. Besides, which holiday is it with the decorated tree and Santa? It’s not ambiguous. We know its Christmas.
So for all my Jews, Sikhs, Muslims, and assorted “others” who don’t celebrate christmas (Jehova’s Witnesses?) I’m here to bring the party and get you into the Christmas spirit
1. Make Egg-Nog
Eggnog is basically your holiday sanctioned occasion to drink an alcoholic milkshake. Making egg-nog in a pinch isn’t that easy but if you already have a batch whipped up, the alcoholic decorations are fairly simple: whiskey, burbon, and two types of rum (I recommend Myers and Kraken respectively for the rums. Also, if you use Jim Beam or budget whiskey for this you will ruin Christmas forever, so don’t.) It’s alcoholic and festive, so feel free to drink a whole bunch of it. If anyone tells you to stop, they’re a grinch. For added potency, remove the gross egg-nog parts of the drink. Hey, we don’t get presents, we don’t have to drink eggs. It’s a small perk.
Every Jew worth his weight in secret Jew salt (kosher salt) knows this one: you go to the movies on Christmas when the theatre is empty. It also helps kill the lingering sense of missing out.
Well, Django Unchained is in theatres. Match it with a showing of Lincoln for two very different portrayals of slavery. Or, of course, you can play my favorite grinchy drinking game: watch Christmas movies and drink…
*Any time you see an elf
*There is a reference to Santa
*There is a Christmas Song
*You kinda wish you did Christmas.
*The entire time if it’s Elf.
3. China Town
Chinese food is a staple of the Jewish Christmas but, assuming you’re of the legal drinking age (or have a beard or something: China towns are noticeably lenient) you can have yourself a little adventure on Christmas. You can get dinner, walk around, hang out, go to a bar, whatever. Hey, it’s cooler than take-out, right? And maybe you’ll run into some sort of alternate-Christmas adventure. You don’t know unless you try, right?
4. Just Keep Doing Hanukkah Until Mid-February.
Screw ‘em. Remember how the one day of oil lasted eight days? Well the eight days of the holiday is now fifty-seven days of presents, latkes, and, for the first-time, go-kart racing. That’ll show ‘em.
5. Crash a Christmas
You may have friends or extended family who celebrate Christmas so if you really can’t put together a good alternate time, your only option is to try to have an old-school Christmas. Try to look extra pathetic looking into the windows of happy families doing whatever it is happy families do on Christmas. Open presents? Play Scrabble? Whatever it is, put a little soot on your face, tell them your name is “Tiny Tim” and see if you can get yourself some of that sweet, sweet Christmas food (Mashed Apples? Boiled Goose?)