michael shannon
WARNING – This post contains language that some may consider offensive.

One of the sadder moments I’ve had while writing for HackCollege was when I discovered the “Deranged Sorority Girl” E-mail about two days after the rest of the internet. The email, written by University of Maryland student Rebecca Martinson, was sent out to her sisters in the Delta Gamma sorority with some very… strongly-worded concerns about their behavior at a Greek Week function.

If you somehow haven’t had the chance to read this truly Shakespearean document, here are a few choice passages, such as this statement regarding the type of behavior she expects from her sisters:

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots.

Or this gem, regarding their actions with a fraternity:

Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

Or her feelings on showing team spirit:

“But Becca!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.

While you can read the e-mail in all of its all-caps, profanity-ridden glory over at Gawker, the folks at Funny or Die decided that such an email needs to be spoken aloud, and by someone who can deliver it with the appropriate gravitas. So, they turned to professional scary-person and star of Boardwalk Empire, Michael Shannon (which if you also haven’t seen, go remedy that immediately).

So without further ado, here is the Oscar nominee reading Martinson’s masterpeice: