You want to throw a party. You want it to be a barnburner with as much drama and intrigue as possible. And you don’t want it to get busted.

You may think this is a tall order, but it isn’t. It sounds scary and daunting, but it’s not. You can party down like a beast and still have no trouble with Johnny Law. Here’s how.

1. ID everyone

The most important aspect to any party anywhere is that you have to respect the law or, at least, give the appearance of such. So check everyone’s ID if there’s going to be drinking. And if they’re too young to drink make the biggest, blackest, most obnoxious mark on their hand possible. That way, if Five-0 shows up you can point out one of the recipients to show you’re in compliance.

Be sure to appoint someone to watch over all the underagers though. They get crafty. And the deeper the cleavage the longer your odds of keeping them undrunk. But again, this is about giving as much the appearance of compliance as possible. Police don’t want to have angry parents sending letters because one of their teenagers came home smelling like vodka from your party. Be cool and, most times, so will the police.

2. Burn incense and/or candles all day every day

You may have a friend or twenty that like to enjoy The Herb when they come over. If that’s the case, burn candles or incense whenever you’re home and awake. They mask the smell and create the backstory that you always have sweet scents running.

3. Tell your neighbors

Live in an apartment? Live in a house? Invite your neighbors. Live in the country? You may be exempt from this. The most important thing is to inviteinviteINVITE! Even Crusty McBluehair next door with the bad limp? Play nice. More than likely, none of them will show. The courtesy, however, will decrease their incentive to call the popos on you.

4. Put up cheap soundproofing

Save your egg cartons. You can even buy cheap foam fabric at a sewing and crafts store. Staple that stuff to some thin wood planks and arrange decoratively. Focus on spots near closed windows and vents. Bonus points if you get an audio technology major to help.

5. Keep it indoors

It’s nice to goof around outdoors, but the more noise that gets out the higher the chance of pissed off neighbors. If you wanna have it outdoors, farmers are your friends. Get to know your Agriculture majors immediately.

6. Don’t let anyone drive off hammered

They must submit their keys for entry to your party. No exeptions. The Keymaster has final say on whether they get to leave in their own car. Drunk driving causes accidents. Accidents piss off police. And pissed off police love nothing more than to bust parties they view as irresponsible and dangerous. Help them help you!

7. Know Your Rights

A simple Google search (or hours of Law And Order/CSI) will tell you that the police cannot enter your home without a warrant or your consent. But there’s this thing called ‘exigent circumstances’ where they can use anything from an empty water bong to some drunkass looking suspiciously over the limit to enter.

Should you hear the police knocking remove anyone or anything even remotely suspicious from the front area. Once clear open the door, exit and close it behind you to talk to the police. Answer their questions briefly and comply with whatever they want…unless they want to search. If they won’t leave without one then get their badge numbers and names and notify them that you are not consenting to the search. Be sure to write down everything they do as well.

Play nice and you can party your buttcheeks off. So go forth. Party properly! And stay unbusted!