Partying is no good. Let me repeat that: NO GOOD. All that matters in college is getting good grades your parents can be proud of showing that Sigma Cum-Laude diploma off to their friends. The good grades will also ensure your future at grad schools and give you the grit you need to make it in the real world. Well, at least that’s what my dad told me. Now here are some tips to stay away from the alchies on your campus. 


I don’t know if you’ve heard, but reading is FUNdamental.  The most important thing is to read every world in all of your textbooks while simultaneously outlining them. After you have finished this you’ll have surely missed the missed out on your friends patronage of some frat house. Who needs that?

Now the real fun begins. Start reading some novels. I suggest you stay up-to-date with what’s hot right now. Read each of the Twilight books five times, at least. War and Peace should take up a good chunk of time between when you friends leave to party and when classes start again on Monday. 

Keep Communicating with Your Profs.

It’s always good to get to know your professors.  Lets take that a step further. See what they’re up to on Friday nights or do they watch NFL pregame shows or Meet the Press on Sundays. Having done this before, it could go one of two ways. You could either land on a research team, or land a restraining order. Hey, you’re getting something either way. 

Mocktails are the Best-tails

Because Sober-Steves like us are so few and far between we might have to blend in. The mocktail will help us to do just that. When your friends are pregaming, head into the other room and mixup a few mocktails. You’ll not only look cultured for the ladies, you won’t be disobeying the law or your parents either. This plan tended to fail me when I went into the other room and actually had the drinks with a young lady. 

Anyway I hope this guide to alcohol free living will help you ace college and make your parents proud. I know mine are. They don’t know about the restraining order yet though. I was going to break it to them after I graduated top in my class with a 4.0 GPA and what the bigger success is, never having an once of alcohol slip into mouth in all four years at this institution. 

How do you stay away from the devil known as alcohol? Comment below to share!