Well folks, it’s Saint Patricks day, so I thought I’d open with a day-specific posts. And since I don’t know anything about actual saints, I’m here to write about drinking.

First let me say, all these drinks are intended for drinkers 21+ years of age to enjoy responsibly.

So if you aren’t 21, stop reading.

For serious, yo.

Okay, they’re gone now; as we both know, it’s impossible to lie on the internet. With that known, here is the best alcohol advice I learned, often the hard way.

Here, in no particular order, is the full extent of all human knowledge.



“The Practice-Shot”

Two-thirds a shot of vodka, topped off with Peach schnapps.


If you can’t handle shots (and I couldn’t) this is what you do. Be sure to top off with the schnapps or it won’t work. It’s good practice and a very easy shot with an almost identical alcohol percentage.


The Shark-Bite

Mountain Dew, the cheapest Vodka available, two dashes of bitters, ice


This was the first drink I invented Freshman year. Ice cools the drink and the bitters both help the drink and leaves a light red mist floating on the top of the neon ocean of the drink. It is the cheapest drink you can make, delicious, caffeinated, and it looks fancy. A good staple of poor drinkers to bust out as “their” drink.


“The Blue Stuff”

A two-liter bottle of Sprite, your cheapest vodka, and blue-lemonade Kool-Aid mix.


This recipe was brought all the way back from Kansas by amateur UFC fighter and local legend Eric Grant*. The key to this punch is that it isn’t deathly alcoholic, meaning that it is both safe and enormously delicious and a punch that’s both tasty and non-lethal is bound to be a favorite option at any party.


“The Red Stuff”

30 Beers, an entire handle of Vodka, an ungodly amount of Red Kool-aid mix, a bottle of fortified wine, a red MD 20/20 and two red Rip-It energy drinks.


A recipe of a friend, this recipe is for disaster and frat parties and should be watched carefully. The secret here is using beer and not water as the base for the punch; as both the Blue Stuff and Red Stuff show, water is for suckers. The sugar and syrupy nature of the wine, MD 20/20 and Rip-Its help offset the bite of the vodka and the beer consistency helps. It isn’t tasty per se, but it tastes a lot better than it looks.


The “We don’t have any tonic

Gin, Sprite.


A real Gin and Tonic needs ice, tonic, and lime. You might have none of these things but the gin. In a pinch, Sprite will do; it’s tonic, after all, with a light citrus flavor and the sugar makes it a “kiddie” version girls and inexperienced drinkers will like. This is also important because no other soda mixes with Gin. None. Let me save you the time; if you can’t get tonic, Sprite works very well. Everything else will kill you.


“The Erk and Jerk”

E&J brandy, Coke


Another drink introduced to us by Eric. You don’t mix these two; you take a gulp of Coke, then, keeping the soda, in your mouth, take a swig (from the bottle) of brandy and immediately chase with more Coke, gulping it all down. Keeping the alcohol sandwiched at all time makes it delicious.


The Only Acceptable Way to Mix Whiskey

Whiskey, Ginger Ale.


It’s a Whiskey Ginger, and if you have to mix your whiskey, this is how you do it. Not Coke or god knows what else. You do it with ginger-ale, or better yet, ginger beer. Maybe add some hot pepper if you are fancy. But you aren’t, and neither am I, so ginger ale works fine.



The Drink You’ll Make For the First Girl to Break Your Heart

Hot Chocolate, Kahlua, Peppermint Schnapps.


Delicious! Garnish with regret.


The Best Vodka For Your Money


This isn’t a paid endorsement, though I wish it was. A handle of Sobieski at $20 is the best quality vodka me or any of my (vodka enthusiast) friends have ever tried. For five bucks more go from plastic-bottle nonsense to something you can take shots of sober.


The Best Bad Idea

Vodka, Jolly-Ranchers


Take some Jolly Ranchers. Split them into piles and separate by color but a bunch (14-16) of the specific colored on for every Gatorade-bottle sized portion of vodka you’re flavoring. Also, put the Vodka in an empty Gatorade bottle. Trust me. It’s science. Now shake it up. Shake it a lot. Leave it in your freezer overnight. Then, shake. A little more time. Lots of shaking. Now try it; woah, right? You can almost sip it straight and mixing is a breeze. Plus, it should look like Gatorade. That’s some synergy right there.


Well, I hope this helps. And remember, for all the drinkers in the audience: please drink responsibly and not to dangerous levels, which, I should mention, basically rules out The Red Stuff. Seriously, guys. That stuff does not mess around.



*Eric is a man whose means of employment is to fight enormous muscled people who have been trained to do nothing but fight. And he beats them up. A lot. If he suggests a drink, you drink it.