There are some great things about becoming an upperclassman.


As an upperclassman, you get better classes. Alcohol is easier to get, you know the school and city, and you can live in an actual house as opposed to the giant social-experiment-sandbox that are Freshman dorms. But alas, with great power comes great responsibility. While being an upper-classman comes with many gifts, here are eight things you’re going to have to stop doing.


1: Having Strong Opinions about Frats


This goes in both directions. It’s no longer cool to brag or boast about your fraternity. You can drink beer with friends and get girls. Congratulations! You are everyone else in college. Similarly, if you don’t like frats, keep it to yourself at this point. Nothing is weirder than a grudge that should have expired.


2: Seeking out Freshmen


As Sophomores, we only had one skill: not being Freshman. And boy, what a skill it was. You knew better and you were eager to assert it, and that’s fine. If you’re still doing that as a Junior by attempting actively to pursue Freshmen, check yourself.


NOTE: If you are a Senior, you may have a pet freshman. He will be your Freshie’mon: half Freshman and half Poke’mon. You will train him for greatness and to battle other Freshmen. Ideally he should have fire-moves.


3: Freaking out about your GPA


Now this one is more interesting, because grades count more later on, I think. To be honest, I’m not a big grade person. And if you aren’t, now isn’t the time to start. And if you are, why keep stressing. It’s been at least two years now; take a long look at your GPA. It’s going to stay about the same if you live the way you are. And I think that’s fine. Take a breath.


4: Bragging about how much you drink.


There are only two options for bragging about how much you drink at this age; either everyone else drinks the same, which means you’re just being a jerk, or you actually do drink much more than everyone else in college, meaning you are going to die by the end of this sentence. Either way, we don’t want to hear about it.


5: Saying “Swag”


A rule of thumb? The more you say it, the less you have.


6: Going to Class


At this point, you know enough about college to sense a day when it isn’t worth it; you’ll fall asleep in class anyway, or there’s nothing to hand in, or it’s a movie you can watch elsewhere. Similarly, you’re old enough to recognize the value of a beautiful day or a friend in town from afar. Enjoy it. They stay skipping class is only stealing from yourself; if that’s true, cut yourself an IOU now and then.


7: Telling everyone you’re going to be wildly successful in an unlikely or impressive field


We all daydream. All of us know, know, how we’re going to excel and make back all the money we spent on diplomas, and how we’re going to make our ex-girlfriends cry wistfully over framed photographs of us slam-dunking over a lion that’s also on fire.And daydreams are like any other dreams: awesome for you to have, but no one wants to hear them. You’re not going to be a famous rapper. You’re not even going to be a mildly successful rapper. You may not even be a waiter in this economy. But if and when you do succeed, everyone whose ear you yapped off will be waiting with a brick to throw.


8: Calling the opposite gender “crazy”


The homeless guy training lobsters for the “inevitable” is crazy. The girl at ATO who didn’t want to dance with you isn’t crazy; in all likelihood, she’s actually making a pretty good call. If the opposite gender is still enough of a mystery to you that they leave you furious, frustrated, and baffled, maybe you should get a different hobby, like scrapbooking.

NOTE: You can still call your exes crazy. In fact, you can call your exes whatever you want. The important thing, however, is that you never actually call your exes again.

Hope this all helps, and if it keeps just one twenty-two year old from wearing his hat to an angle, I’ll be happy. As for me though, I just remembered a ninth rule; don’t write a comedy article the night before a midterm.