In any avenue or venue, the trash talk is the time-honored way of settling differences. Especially in college or any non-local setting where you and your friends may differ on any sport, being able to correct them via taunting is both an educational and fun experience for the whole beer-soaked community.

With that said, here are a few important rules and regulations.

1: Know your Enviornment

You don’t trash-talk the Yankees in a New York bar. You don’t talk about how A-Rod is a steroid-ridden fraud fueled by insecurity to the Bronx guys with gorilla arms. There’s a time and a place for everyone, and knowing the difference between the times for polite ribbing and angry provocation might lower your medical bills if you have a big mouth.

2: Know your facts

If you hate the Jets, congratulations: you’re correct. But you have to know why. Do you hate them because they’re a bunch of second-rate loudmouths in their own city, which, by the way, isn’t actually New York, the posers are from Jersey? Or is it because you can’t stand that pretty-boy Sanchez getting credit as though he was a talent or something. Maybe you just want to see Rex Ryan eat his own words because, hey, look at him: guys eaten everything else already, right? Having material and facts is important to trash talk: the more to riff on, the better.

3: Be Creative

Maybe you hate Pau Gasol. Everyone does, so phrase it uniquely. Maybe state that it was mean to steal a llama, half-shave it, and teach it to not-quite make buckets in the paint. Or mention that the only time Pau Gasol is allowed to shave is when he makes a clutch play, which is why he’s as hairy as a Grizzly Bear in puberty. Or ask, man, what kind of terrible name is Pau, did he not earn the last “l” for his name when he’s been responsible for so many Laker’s “L”s in the playoffs? Creativity makes your insults sting.

4: Pick Good Villains 

I’m a Sox fan, but I don’t hate the Rays, even as they are a real benches-clearing rival. Why? Because you have to respect it. Home-grown talent, playing hard and fast and young, over-coming odds, clawing it’s way from the bottom.? It earns respect. As opposed to, say, the cry-baby aging Yankees purchasing mercenaries to buy titles for it’s evil empire. That’s a good villain. If you trash-talk normal teams or players, be prepared to be met with skepticism.

5: Remember, the Miami Heat are the worst ever, and are evil.

Seriously? Have you *seen* the fouls they get away with? When LeBron James decided to flee his home-town to make-out with Wade and pursue a ring, that was bad enough, but they had to get Chris Bosh, the petulant wanna-be star who sat 0ut games for Toronto rather than play with a playoff seed on the line? The same LeBron who can’t make game-winners or succeed with or without Wade and Bosh has the indecency to call himself the king? The team that lost to the #3 seed Mavs is preening and puffing itself out like they aren’t collaborative jerks at worst, cheating ref-puppeteers at best, full in a stadium of fickle-half fans who couldn’t name five players on the team to save their life? Sure. Sure, Heat. But when the Spurs take it in five, please find someone else to whine to about your greatness.

From a bitter Celtics fan.