Laws Of The Internet
I almost titled this piece intern-etiquette, but I didn’t. You’re welcome.
As college students, the internet is our home away from home: it’s where we go during class, it’s our library and hangout space, it’s our music hall and occasionally, for guys in dark, locked rooms, our temporary girlfriends.
So how do we behave in this new wild west, place of infinite possibilities? Well, I’m glad you asked. Allow me, Lev Novak, known internet personage, to show you around.
*There is nothing more stressful than being shown a Youtube video with the guy who showed it to you hovering over your shoulder making sure you laugh as much as he deems appropriate. Don’t be that guy.
*No one wants to see the Facebook pictures of the girl you hooked up with, and if you show it to them, they are going to think you’re either a weirdo or a liar. Don’t do that.
*Some people will do what you ask them on the internet: they might go to your show, or donate to your walkathon, or anything else. But: repeatedly asking them won’t change anything. Send one email and one thank-you/follow-up to guilt in the rest. Asking people in person or individual emails is too much.
*Do not trust anyone with anything important. Your address, a nude photo, anything. This is the internet, people.
*Do not trust anything that sounds off. For example: my last post was about how to make chili. Should you trust it? Probably. I’m using my real name, writing about something pretty normal, and it sounds right. Now, you know this pick-up artist guys? You know, those guys who trade internet tips for how to be a literal sociopath to get girls? Don’t trust them. You think internet strangers are who to get girl advice from? If they’re so good with girls why are they obsessing about it with strangers on the internet?
*Don’t ask for followers, retweets, or, heaven forbid, Klout. You are a grown person who exists in the real world. Leave cyber-space badges for the rest of them.
*Don’t tweet celebrities. They won’t respond and you look like a weirdo.
*Don’t tweet mean things at celebrities. You’ll look like a mean weirdo and maybe, though they won’t respond, they’ll read it. Don’t be mean, dude. Don’t be a mean weirdo.
*God help us all, the world does not need another parody account. No.
*Do not talk politics on Facebook. You may message the person individually if you disagree AND you know them well enough to talk to them like that, but starting a comment war is stupid and weird.
*Privacy settings are your friends.
*Stop sharing George Takai’s pictures. We get it. He was on Star Trek and he just discovered memes. Move on.
*Please don’t be one of those huge weirdo creeps I keep hearing about on reddit, okay?
*I’m serious, guys.
* Just because something may or may not be covered under “free speech” doesn’t mean that it’s super chill to do.
*Everyone is dumb, we know, no need to keep saying it.
*If you hate Kim Kardashian, why did you click the link and comment outraged?
*No, I don’t want to meet SEXY SINGLES ONLINE! Did you even read the article, Argh8274kL7t?
One Last Tip
*Don’t act in any way that would make your friends ashamed of you on the internet, okay? Okay. Have fun then.