You’re on social media.

Any media is social media on the internet. Your comments on news articles could count, but I’m of course talking about Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin. What you say matters, even when they shouldn’t. So how do you behave on social media? Just remember…

1. They Will Find It…

Anything you post on the internet will be found and traced back to you if you make it easy. To make the point for you, my friend once nearly got me fired by making a Twitter parody account of me. Any job is going to bother to check your Twitter and Facebook and, for me, my Hack College writings. Make sure you don’t have anything super incriminating or terrible on there in addition to changing your Facebook name. Do you really want your future boss to see you dressed in all your toga finest, Natural Ice firmly in hand?

2. But Don’t Be A Wuss.

Some of you might, in your daily Googling of me, notice I don’t follow my own advice. @LevNovak is my Twitter. Lev Novak is my Facebook name. Lev Novak is my pen name.

That’s because I have nothing to hide. I mean, I do- the times I drunkenly subtweeted my ex-girlfriend I could do without, and no employer needs to read my thoughts about sexy ghosts vs. sexy vampires- but that’s about it. Call me a romantic, but I believe in honesty of self. Any job that finds my unprofessional social media a problem isn’t a job I want to have. I’m not in this for the khakis.

Now, that’s a luxury I have as an English major. I’m going to be unemployed anyway; I may as well do it in style. You should too, if you can: watching my friends self-censor and throw mis-spellings and middle-names into their names is all sorts of heartbreaking.

3. Don’t Brag.

Everyone wishes you well. That’s an honest rule of thumb. What they don’t tell you is that they wish you will until you start doing better than they do.

Don’t run your mouth about your successes. People get depressed and stroll through other peoples perfect Facebook lives; be a chill dude and don’t make it worse for them. Similarly, there is nothing more annoying than successful people doing well who aren’t you in your chosen field. Rest assured, writers: if you have a book deal, I will smile and nod, and plan on how best to set your car on fire. It’s human nature. So when you’re on Twitter talking about that awesome script you’ve just been offered, or how Seth Myers is really cool in person, or how you just haven’t lived until your third Scandinavian threesome, rest assured: everyone hates you, even if we like you.

4. Keep It Single.

Shut up about your significant other on social media for a few crucial reasons. The first is that it’s unhealthy to not have your own separate life, and the second is that it’s super annoying or mildly depressing to read about how you and Caitlyn have “TRUEEEE <3 XOXOXOXO” all over. And lastly, when you do break up (and boy, will you ever) it’s going to be super, duper awkward. Save the gushy stuff for private. The internet is public.