5 Ways to “Not” Celebrate Valentine’s Day
If you’re lucky enough to find a significant other who will shun Valentine’s Day, you’ve found a gold mine. I mean, a literal gold mine over the course of a lifetime; Americans are expected to spend $18.6 billion today, and apparently the typical shopper spends around $130. If your man or lady doesn’t buy into it, you can save that much each year, right? We’re not talking the omg-I-hate-it-so-much-please-buy-me-flowers kind or shun. We’re talking about a genuine disinterest in the Hallmark holiday of flowers and expectations. There’s really nothing less romantic than going out to a cramped restaurant for a sub-par, overpriced meal, having the exact same flowers and the exact same chocolates placed on your table, and eating the exact same meal as hundreds of other couples. Eh.
That doesn’t mean you have to hate love, but if you really want to enjoy yourself on Valentine’s Day, here are five great ways to put a twist on the red-white-and-vomit-colored holiday.
1. Secret Valentine: You and your Sig-O can have some great laughs by sending a few anonymous Valentine’s to mutual friends. Chocolates, flowers, cards, and mix tapes work well. You can make it classy, so they think it is for real, or you can make it over the top, so they know they’re being pranked. If you’re feeling sweet, you can always just send some anonymous flowers to the single ladies in your office. It may be feeding the beast, but at least it will improve someone’s day.
2. Fake Proposal: If you and yours are willing to battle the hilarity of the Valentine’s Day crowd, you can stage a fake proposal while you’re there. We’re talking ring in the champagne flute (which she doesn’t find), then again in her desert (which she ignores), and finally on the flowers, where she sees it, and loudly proclaims, “Waiter! We got the wrong flowers, there’s a ring on these.” Or some variation of this. Watch the service staff and nearby diners freak. This prank is best for couples that are either super early in the relationship, or are already married. Anywhere in between starts getting a little too serious.
3. Chocolate-Covered-Anything: If you’re trying to prank your own significant other, there are plenty of ways to treat Valentine’s Day like the precursor to April Fool’s Day. You can merely cover something abnormal or unpleasant in chocolate, like fried cockroaches (bonus: this requires a visit to China Town), olives, or hard-boiled eggs, or go the fake route. Take some fake strawberries, or bacon roses, or banana slices and dip them in real chocolate. Deliver promptly and watch the disappointment unfold. Make sure you use safe ingredients though.
4. Slasher Movie Night: If you just feel like separating yourself from the holiday without actually doing anything funny, simply tell your friends or roommates that you’ve got BIG plans for your Valentine’s Day. This will get them out of the house for the night. Encourage them to sleep elsewhere if they can. Then you and yours (or just you) can just watch classic gory horror films in peace. Think: Carrie, Hannibal Lector, or even something like Rocky Horror.
5. Finally, the 5th way to “not” celebrate the big V Day: go visit a charity or a homeless shelter. You may not be ignoring Valentine’s Day, or even mocking it, but hey, nobody can be a cynic all the time, right? If you really think, “Valentine’s Day is stupid,” because it’s a, “Hallmark holiday,” and you can, “celebrate my love without someone else telling me to,” then more power to you. But maybe you can show some love to those less fortunate – perhaps volunteer in a food pantry, help battered women’s shelters, or even just send them some flowers. And you can always participate in One Billion Rising, today’s event to help bring awareness to the inexcusable crimes against women. Most of us think this holiday is stupid, but when you do something unexpected on the heaviest day of expectations, you’re a real gem!