Editor’s Note: The following post is satire. You should prepare for spring semester, but try not to let yourself get caught up in the act of preparing and succumb to self-inflicted stress that could affect your education.

Ah, spring semester. What a pastel-colored promise of a fresh start! Not only do you feel the pressure to get organized and spend all of your valuable holiday drunken heart-to-heart time purchasing your textbooks, but it also seems like every blog on the internet wants to capitalize off of your supposed cluelessness.

Do you feel like you’re drowning after fall semester? Remember, you need to sink deeper to reach the cool neon fish and abandoned treasure. Here are some ideas that will help you anchor in an unplanned spring semester.

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You Can Handle Everything, Champ!

Just because participating in Greek life, disc golf club, debate club, Earth club, tech club, and miniature pony club while double majoring and triple minoring didn’t work out your first semester doesn’t mean that it won’t work out this spring!

Sleep is for the weak, no matter what your grades have to say in response to this cliché. In fact, why don’t you take on something else? LARPing could finally be the activity that leads to your ultimate happiness and fulfillment. Remember, you are young and invincible, and focusing on your studies and improving your grades is not worth the stress of figuring out what activities to eliminate from your future resume.

Who Needs Books?

Let me confirm what you’ve suspected to be true: textbooks are a vast conspiracy orchestrated by Barnes and Noble to steal your beer money. Barnes and Noble doesn’t need your money as much as your liver does. Same with Windows, Apple, Kindle, or whoever manufactured your computer — they’re all evil corporations, after all. If your machine has succumbed to a rogue splash of Budweiser, your college’s computer lab is surely outfitted with the latest technology!

Going to the computer lab provides an excellent excuse to escape the filthy socks and bowls that have taken over your favorite study corral at the library (not to mention your dorm room). Additionally, choosing not to worry about textbooks gives you an excuse to mooch off of the cutie in your history seminar.

Not worrying about course supplies will help find you dates and money for enough booze to dull the ache of imminent academic probation (or expulsion). You may even land a glamorous career stocking shelves at the liquor store.

Make Your Own Surprises

Organization strips the fun out of discovering that you do, in fact, have clean underwear or a 12-page paper due in two hours. Your inexplicable stench may have driven away any friends that could throw you a surprise party, but that’s okay because you can make your own surprises!

Few extreme sports promise the same kind of rush you will get from trying to write a research paper with no books or computer in the same amount of time it will take you to sober up from your innocent “cleaning beers.”

Time spent getting organized is time that could be spent looking for your Frisbee or foam sword. Free organization apps require a working phone or computer, and paper calendars are as archaic as textbooks. If you cave to the pressure of organization, your life is bound to be as dull as earning a steady income.

The Power of Now

Whatever you do, don’t set goals. Nothing ruins your Buddhist-inspired quest to “live in the now” like looking into the future and determining what it should look like. The future is imaginary. For all you know, you could win the lottery tomorrow and eliminate the need for an understanding of basic grammar.

Goals only squash the possibility of miracles unfolding in your life. Goals lead to disappointment when you ultimately can’t reach them due to your commitment to your fraternity, disc golf club, LARPing, establishing residency in the computer lab, finding your mom’s car keys in your dorm room, and a deep, abiding Buddhist philosophy.

Remember, if you avoid disappoint and discomfort, you don’t ever have to learn or grow up. Peter Pan had a whole musical written about his quest not to grow up, so clearly your quest to live in the moment can only lead you to monkhood or stardom. Follow these tips, and you’re bound to uncover whatever treasure lies at the bottom of your ancient day planner by the time you graduate in fifty years.

Wait, You Actually Want to Prepare?

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Image: CollegeDegrees360


About the Author: Jacob Soto graduated in four years and never, ever spilled anything on his laptop. He now puts his tech skills to use working for PC Connection and writing computer programs for obsolete operating systems. When not staring at screens, he enjoys snowboarding and maintaining his aquarium.